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* * *world in my eyes
The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition,
defines courage as “the state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face
danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, resolution, and
bravery”. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary says that courage is “the strength of mind to
carry on in spite of danger”. Its etymology can be traced back to the Latin word cor
meaning heart. This makes sense to me, because one must be of great heart to endure
many of life’s little tragedies, and pratfalls that we encounter. Looking over the past 38
years of my life I can think of many, many times I have had to relearn the definition of
courage.
Courage is being a performer walking onto a stage knowing that all eyes are on you.
Courage is giving a 100% performance when the audience is uninterested. Courage is
shaking off one bad performance knowing that one has five more numbers to redeem
yourself. Courage is being kind to others knowing that as soon as one turns around
knives are sharpening. Courage is looking in the mirror and keeping a smile lit while
co workers are painting a bull’s eye on one’s back. Courage is keeping feet firmly
planted with head held high when in fact one would rather run screaming, and in
tears. Courage is after 30 years of living one life to change the sex to live the life one
has wanted. Courage is keeping composure when walking past a snickering
crowd. Courage is surviving cancer, although the experts at the Brown Cancer Center
have only given one four weeks to live. Courage is pulling oneself from a hospital bed
to eat so that one can the gain strength to go home. Courage is watching one’s hair fall
out from chemotherapy, and telling oneself this is only temporary. Courage is losing
everything in one’s life, and having to depend on only self to climb out of the hole.
Courage is taking one’s medicine as prescribed, and not overdosing to end all the pain
forever. Courage is putting the “monkey on your back” back in its cage, and keeping it
there. Courage is saying “no” when one’s addiction is begging to say “yes”. Courage is
to keep walking the 12 steps when life sometimes puts one 3 steps back. Courage is
swallowing one’s pride to apologize when wrong. Courage is swallowing one’s
pride to forgive when others are wrong. Courage is admitting to self and to others one’s
faults.
In conclusion you can plainly see that the word courage can never be confused with,
and definitely means the opposite of, cravenness, dastardliness, spinelessness, and
yellowness. My personal definitions are not that of awe, depression, or pity, but of
courage. I am writing this in hopes to inspire others to be courageous. I put the word
courage in bold font, because it takes a bold person of good heart to endure courage, and
it is not just a word to be taken lightly.
Teaching The New (02 - 2007)
To be an amazing woman you must learn from amazing women. So much is being lost in our heritage of “drag” with new, up and coming performers. What better way to teach the new than with the old? We must continue to pass along what has inspired so many of us in the past. The movies listed above are my personal favorites that schooled me on character, wit, charm, humor, one liners, beauty, and strength. Knowledge is power! What better way to be empowered than to learn from amazing women?
The Ladder (06- 2007)
During my years I have been very successful climbing the ladder of success in reaching my goals as an entertainer. With each step I took higher, I made sacrifices, worked hard, and followed my golden rule: "On the way up be nice to everyone on your way up, because you never know who you'll meet on your way down". To be the best there are no short cuts, and it takes 100% motivation. Creating my character of "Amirage" I was successful in reaching my goals and so much more. I had made it to the top of my ladder and was at "my best".
A year and a half ago I was knocked down from the ladder due to some unfortunate things that were happening in my life. Working through my "rock bottom" I was offered the opportunity to climb two ladders; school and showgirl. I began first with the school ladder, and followed the same principles. I have been making sacrifices and giving 100% motivation into climbing each step. Although it is very hard work, and time consuming, I am loving every bit of it just as when I had climbed the showgirl ladder years ago. This brings me to re-climbing the showgirl ladder…
As I take my first few steps back up the ladder, I am thrilled at being back. I have anticipated this moment to return to what I loved and missed. I look up the ladder, and everything that I see before me, I have already achieved. The only way I can explain it best is: Imagine playing a video game, you go into a room to collect all your coins for extra credit, later in the game you have to start over, you go back into the same room but all the coins have already been claimed from the previous time that you were in that same room. I have been on this ladder before, and have achieved all of my goals being a performer. If I continue to climb this ladder again, I would have to put a lot of effort, that at this time I do not have, into reclaiming what I have already achieved.
With many eager starlets awaiting their turn, it's only fair for me to step off the ladder and let someone else step up to their dream. This is by no means a farewell, or the end, just that I have a different ladder that is demanding my full attention. It is a climb that is taking me on another goal in my life. As much attention as I would love to put into making my performances better, I find that I am repeating the same numbers and recycling old costumes. Walking past that old promo poster seeing me at "my best" and then passing a mirror and seeing "my is", is horrifying! A performer, who at one time was at the top of her ladder, to see herself at ground zero knows better!! But in choosing one ladder over another, one makes sacrifices, something has to give, and something has to suffer. I have just been very lucky that the audience has been forgiving and loving each time I have gone on stage over the past several months. As kind as I have been to people as I went up my ladder, people have been kind to me after I fell.
FAT TRANNY (07- 2007)
I have had a struggle lately dealing with my weight. My starting weight was 178 lbs. on June 16th. My goal was to weigh 170 lbs by July 17th. After doing cardio at my gym on July 18th, I put myself on their scale. I did not make my goal... I surpassed it! The digital counter on the scale read 167 lbs. l had lost a total of 11 lbs. I screamed and cried at the same time! It took a lot of discipline to achieve. I had to give up things I loved (peanut butter & Starbucks' iced coffee drinks), and I had to tough out a strict diet if I wanted to achieve my goal. It paid off!!! All glory, and thanks to GOD first. Secondly to Mokha for dieting tips and calorie counting. Below is proof positive :
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