MS Jamie / Amirage BIOGRAPHY

I AM SO VERY BLESSED! IF JESUS IS THE SON OF GOD, AND FOR WHAT GOD HAS DONE FOR ME, I WANT TO BE THE DAUGHTER OF HOPE. FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE CONQUERED, FOR EVERY SUCCESS I HAVE ENJOYED, LET MY LIFE BE OF HOPE FOR OTHERS. EVERY LIFE HAS A PURPOSE EVEN IF IT'S JUST TO BE A BLESSING TO SOMEONE ELSE. WE ARE NO MISTAKES!
THANK YOU. . .

What inspired me most to write my biography was after witnessing all the negativity from the media, and things I have encountered in my life plus the lives of others. It is difficult just being a transgendered person but now to having to fight with the false images that the media creates making the struggle that much harder. I have had great success living as a transgendered female, and felt it was my duty to give back to the TG community a positive source of help. It is with unity among all sisters that we can conquer the negative imagery and push forward our right to be who we are.

I am a 38 year old, pre operative transsexual, born September the 11th; a day that will always be over shadowed by the tragic events of 9-11-01. I woke up that morning watching the news on television, and at first I thought I was watching scenes from a new action movie. I watched the images thinking how realistic they looked then I realized that the situation was real. I cannot express the horror and sadness I felt. How could I celebrate my birthday when so many people had lost their lives? It was a very sad day, and it made me appreciate my own life so much more. I am alive, and I need to make each day count, because tomorrow is not promised. The important lesson that I learned from the events of September 11, 2001 was to live, and enjoy every day of my life. That is how I can sum up the past 5 years of my life to becoming the person I have wanted to be. I am living a way of life that I have dreamt about since I was six years old. Never in all my years did I think it could happen, but it has, and I have been blessed in so many ways. It took a great struggle to get here, but finally I AM HERE!!!

I grew up the majority of my life as the ugly duckling; the one everyone made jokes about, the one no one wanted around them, the one that was "different." I was a loner much of my life, and had the lowest self esteem. On a daily basis I was tormented by others by words they would shout at me, or being pushed around by bullies. I never knew how to fight back, because I knew I was different. I thought that I was a bad person for not wanting to be what others had expected I should be. No matter how I tried I could not be the normal boy growing up playing sports, or being ruggedly rough; all those attributes normal young boys are supposed to have. I never wanted to be a boy. All my life to my earliest memories I have thought of myself as female. I could not understand why I was born a boy, when the inside of me was completely all girl. Because of this birth defect, I was being criticized by everyone, and pointed out as the local freak. I felt punished for being born wrong, and punished for wanting to try to correct it. My whole childhood into my teens I prayed that someday the ugly duckling part of me would disappear; that I would become beautiful, and wanted by others. I dreamt about only 2 things that had I wanted: to live my life as a female, and be an actress. After all, aren't we led to believe that all actresses are loved and worshipped by all? That is what I craved more than anything; love and acceptance by others. I grew up wishing for my dreams, even praying all the time to GOD for my dreams to come true. I guess I just expected over night that it would happen. I would be somewhere by coincidence, be discovered, then become a star, and become loved over night. Years went by with nothing happening. It was in my late 20s that I found friends, who may not have understood why I wanted to be female, but accepted my feelings about my sexual orientation. I got involved in performing in female impersonation shows. I thought this would be my great stepping stone in becoming the woman I wanted to be. Working in the show circuit I got to see the "underworld", or black market side of the business, where hormones and silicone injections were made easily available knowing the right people. This was the beginning of my puberty transforming my body to the image I dreamt about since I was a child. I was given the chance to live both dreams as a female, and as an actress. I started on hormones, went through hours of electrolysis, and then was injected with several doses of silicone to reconstruct my face and body with the help of silicone doctors who had "pumped" so many of the popular show girls across the country. By becoming popular, and accepted as "Amirage" the show girl, I felt like now I was someone, and not the freak every one had hated. I put all my effort in my shows that I was starting to let one dream over ride the other. In the day I was working in a salon taking hormones wearing a training bra (with hopes one day to fill it), but still living as a male. For a while I was in Heaven until my lack of self confidence arose. I neglected my other dream to living entirely as a female, not just on stage. My obsession being Amirage, and trying to perfect myself on stage, was what I thought was most important. It was being Amirage that broke the ice, and made me feel special around people. But then it started to take it's toll. I wanted to try to work on becoming "Jamie", but I did not know how to make the transition from living male to female. I did not know how to use the female character of Amirage to my advantage, because I had created this over the top, dramatic character that was in no way how I wanted to live my life as a female. The only thing I could do was to keep perfecting my stage character which became an obsession. After a while I resented and hated being "Amirage". It was an extension of who I was, but not whom I wanted to be. I started developing fears that I would lose my popularity, and lose people liking me. My life started crumbling. What I had thought were 2 dreams coming true turned out to be a nightmare. Finally I had enough that I quit doing shows. I no longer wanted to be Amirage. I needed time to reevaluate what I wanted in life, and think of a plan to become the person I needed to be.

     I bought a computer, discovered AOL, and all the many chat rooms where transgender people went to talk. I was hooked for several months that AOL became my teacher, and my life. No one knew what was really going on inside me, and I did not have any one that understood what I was feeling. Now in the AOL chat rooms, with other transgender people like myself, I didn not feel alone anymore. I made friends quickly online and it helped give insight on how to turn my life around. I cannot tell you how many hours at a time I was glued to the computer screen, while life outside went on without me. After feeling like one of the chat room regulars, I began to express more of my feelings thinking that I now have a place for total acceptance. I mentioned how I wanted to live my life as female, but not have the final surgery, because I enjoyed my diversity. To my surprise I found that it is not an accepted idea among most transgender people. Many of the transgender people felt that if I was taking the time to change my body that I should undoubtedly have my surgery. Being a pre operative transsexual is only for a limited time, and it is not a way of life. Once again I had to deal with other people's expectations of how I should live my life, especially those whom I thought would understand me; MY PEOPLE. When I said that I enjoy being in a pre op status, I was informed that I was not a "real" woman for holding onto an in-between-stage; that only escorts stayed at that level. Once again I became an outcast.
     I researched through all of Kentucky for doctors , such as urologists to perform castration surgeries (the surgery cannot be done in Kentucky due to insurance reasons) to finding endocroligists to start on a regimen of hormones (no doctor in Kentucky supports the ideas of transgendered). It was very disappointing that every where I turned lead to a dead end with no one having the slightest interest in helping me. The worst part is that I had a close friend who was a doctor, and when I found on the Internet the right mixture of hormones I needed, he would not help me, but yet prescribed narcotics to other friends to help them in their different type ailments. His excuse to me was that changing one's sex is an experimental stage for people, and he did not want to take a chance in being a part of my "mistake." Again, someone else's perception in what is right for me. It seemed like this whole journey, one that I thought I was so close to achieving, kept becoming more elusive. I knew I did not want to continue living my life as a male, and I was becoming miserable to a point to say, "enough is enough."
     All my life I have been objected to abuse by everyone, because I was not living by their expectations of how things are supposed to be. It was by all those expectations that was making me miserable. It made me realize that for once I needed to make me happy, and stop worrying how everyone was thinking about me. I needed to live my life tailored made for me, and not by anyone else's image. I had been an outcast most of my life why should now be any different? No one can live my life but myself, and no one knows what makes me happiest but myself. What did I have to lose? If I fail I can at least know in my mind that I tried to be the person I wanted to be; a person with self respect, dignity, and courage. What I looked for in other people, love and acceptance, I can find in myself. This began another journey into mysel. I had to accept who I wanted to be. It was time to put away pity parties, and learn that life begins with me. It's about ME, and not what "they" want. Thus began the birth of "Jamie"...

Coming to terms I created my own outline/outlook on life as a female:
1) It does not matter what is between your legs that makes you female, but how you think and feel that makes you a lady.

2) It is not about trying to be passable in public, but living your life the way you want. Passable is an ugly term which is based on what other's expectations of "passable" is.

3) Give yourself credit as you wake up each morning during your transisition. It takes a lot of courage, and can be a very hard journey. Have faith and remember: You may not be where you want to be in life, but you are not where you use to be.
4) Rely on yourself first for love and acceptance. No one will accept you unless you are happy with who you are (no matter what stage in life).

5) Ignore extensive criticism from friends and others about transistioning. Only you can live your life. Why wait until in your death bed to wish you could have done something?

6) We all make mistakes, and sometimes we fall when trying to reach our dreams. Setbacks will happen from time to time, so do not be hard on yourself. We can be our own worst critics! Don't beat yourself up over it!

7) Pay no attention to ignorant remarks made by others. It has been my experience, and experiences of other people, that the same people who make fun of others are also the ones with unattractive traits of their own; such as being overweight, unattractive, insecure, missing teeth, etc., that try to point attention on to someone else to hide their own defects. Anyone who is secure with who they are never make unflattering comments about others.
8) Try not to over compensate feminine traits. Just remember to always be yourself. It is by creating a "show" that directs attention to yourself from others.

It is with these 8 rules that helped me become the true me. Of course they did not come to me over night It took time and experience, but hopefully I can help shorten that time for others. The hardest part is going out in public on your first day. I was scared when my friends took me shopping at the mall, the very same mall I use to work years ago before my transitition. I just knew walking through those doors would cause a big scene, and again I would be the outcast. I took a deep breath and told myself this is it- it os time! I have wasted too much time already in my life; it was now time to be free. Whatever happens will happen, and it is not going to stop me anymore in becoming who I want to be. We opened the doors, walked inside, went through all the different shops, and not one time did anyone give me a second look. It was like I blended in with every one. For once I was as normal as everyone else. We shopped for hours, and I have to say that day was the happiest day in my life. Finally a moment where I could be the real me, and was accepted in society. This one day made up for all those years when I was the outcast. A huge weight had been lifted off me, and I felt at peace. That same night I went home and bagged up all my old boy clothes I had saved "just in case", and tossed them out to the trash. There was no turning back after feeling the freedom of waiting years to be Jamie, a pre operative transsexual in Louisville, Kentucky. I can say with my chin up, and with pride, "I am on the right path to my happiness."

Many people ask me if I plan to go through with having the sexual reassignment surgery. My answer is no. No, for right now. I like being pre operative. I like the fact that I am different from others, and that I have designed a way of life that I am comfortable living. I live full time as a woman, and at the same time I have the greatest diversity as a person being the best of both worlds. As the old saying goes, "If it ain't broke don't fix it." Therefore, people ask me what my sexual preference is because I like being the best of both worlds. Well, I consider myself living the life of a heterosexual female, so therefore I enjoy the company of men. Not for that to mean I am promiscuous. I do not meet men for sex. Again, I do not meet men for sex. Sex for me is something to be truly appreciated by two people who care for each other very deeply. I do not do one night stands, and I am not to be used as a toy, or as a sexual curiosity. When I go out on dates, it does not mean dinner and a movie entitles you to a night in bed with me. You will be greatly disappointed so learn that now.

Men are always asking me about their sexual preferences, because they like transgender women. This is what I have to say to that:

1) If you look at a TG girl as a woman, then you're heterosexual.

2) If you look at a TG girl as a male, then you're homosexual.

It is that simple. I do not believe in sexual labels. People are just people with different tastes. Men are so worried about what their friends are going to think if they go out with a transgendered person. Remember that closets are for clothes and I am not going to be someone's hidden treasure.

     Fortunately I am a very happy girl, and a lot of that is due to my deep spiritual relationship with GOD. I do not belong to any certain denomination, but I do not feel like I need a church, or building, to experience the joy of having CHRIST in my life. One of my favorite sayings is, "With the LORD GOD for me, who can be against me?" That is so true if you think about it. I have put my faith, and love, into the Almighty Judge HIMself. If HE is continually blessing me, and watching over me, what does it matter what others think, say, or do towards me? What any man put before me, GOD will taketh away. I am part of the head not the tail, and whomever shall believe HIS name shall not perish. GOD has been the greatest gift giver in my life, and I am happy that I know HIM in my life. GOD does not hate transgender people. I am living proof day after day. GOD has blessed me, which gives hope to others that HIS love is there for them as well. Many times we are quoted scriptures from high and mighty people about different verses in the Bible condemning the act of transgenderism, and how GOD hates those that change how HE created you at birth. Many transgender people are very spiritual, and hearing all that negativity made a lot of TG's distance themselves from GOD. It appeared that after many people heard about my strong spirituality, it gave them hope again; that GOD loves HIS children. GOD does not hate! All that HE has blessed me with has inspired, and restored the faith back to transgender people.
      I have been ridiculed by a few for writing strongly about my faith; that religion is something not to be discussed openly. Many people believe spirituality is something to keep private, and several are offended by such talk. If you witness CHRIST's name in life and not be ashamed, then on day of the final judgment, HE will not be ashamed to stand by your side in judgment before GOD. Without HIM I have nothing. Now I know you're wondering why am I on this religious kick. Many of you may question GOD's view on transsexuality. I do not believe GOD thinks less of me because of my lifestyle, and whom I have become as a person. Nowhere in the BIBLE does it say GOD hates. The BIBLE is filled with verses of GOD's love for everyone. People may point their finger, and call someone a sinner. Just remember when you point a finger at someone you have three fingers pointing back at yourself. As the BIBLE states we are all sinners, and I do not believe any sin is better than another sin. Therefore we are all sinners. We are all guilty, and no one is better than anyone else. GOD created us all in HIS image. JESUS said, "Yea without sin cast the first stone." Therefore, no one should throw stones (ridicule, judge, or offend) at any one.
      GOD wants us to be happy, and enjoy life as long as we do not harm others along the way. The one person that I have to answer to about my life is GOD. If HE is continually blessing me, and also is there for me when I have a problem, why should I listen to others that try to condemn me for whom and what I am? That kind of trial is between GOD and myself; no one else. When I stand before HIM on Judgment Day, I will have the greatest ally on my side - JESUS. Because I was not ashamed to talk about HIM, or show my love and appreciation openly about HIM in my life, HE will not be ashamed to know me in my after life, and stand next to me before GOD during my judgment. In everything give thanks regardless how small.
      Most of my life I was an unhappy and bitter person. I knew where I wanted to be in life, but it seemed like I was never going to get there. I saw others around me achieving their dreams. Even people that were hateful to others were having great things happening in their life. I had a lot of self personal demons that I had to conquer. I had to look inside me and face the truth about things I did not like. I had to face jealousies. I had and learn to be happy with what I have now, and not want what others had, but wait on GOD when it was the right time for me to be blessed in things I wanted. That way I could learn the real value, and appreciation, of things to come. I had to learn to love myself no matter at what point of my transition in life I was. I had to be happy that I was at least moving forward. I had to learn to be a blessing to others, so that I may become blessed. We have to wait in FAITH until HE knows we are ready to receive great things. I am not trying to push my beliefs on anyone. What I am trying to do is help others who have had similar problems. I am not saying that my way is the best way, but this is what has worked for me. If it has helped me maybe it can help others. What a blessing it is to be able to help people in any way we can.

      In my life I have gone through many things both good and bad. Sometimes I never understood why, but I believe that everything happens for a reason. I think GOD will put me through certain situations, because HE knows how strong I am, and after I finish going through something I always manage to meet someone getting ready to go through the same thing. I had an experience that many people thought was the end of me. It started in November of 2000, when I kept having severe abdominal pains; some so bad I could not move, or get out of bed. For months I saw several doctors with the conclusions that it was anywhere from a bladder infection to gastritis.
      In March of 2001, I went to the emergency room not being able to stand the pain anymore. After telling the doctor all the same symptoms I had been telling all the other doctors before, she decided to do a cat scan. What came back was a little shocking, but nonetheless a weight off my mind knowing that something was really wrong.I was not faking some illness. The results came back that I had lymphoma, non Hogkins, cancer in my abdomen. The next day I went into surgery to have part of my intestine cut and re sown. After the surgery the doctor told my parents that he thought I only had about 4 weeks left. My parents were devastated. How do you tell your child they are dying? I can barely remember, after the surgery going back to my hospital room, looking at my mother asking her if I was going to die as my father turned the other way in tears. The next day we talked about what was happening, and I cannot express to you what it is like having to put together plans for your own funeral.
      A few days had passed while still in the hospital, and a cancer specialist came to talk to me about possibly going through chemotherapy. She did not see the need to, because she felt that I was not going to make it through. I have to admit I looked very pitiful in that hospital bed, and I looked near death. Something inside me was just not ready to give up yet. I do remember talking to other patients in the hospital that were also considered terminal. What I found were people, some much older than myself, talking about how they had so many regrets not being able to do things they had wanted to do in life. The amazing thing for me is that I had no regrets. I had lived a life that everything I have ever wanted to do I had done it. I did not look at death with fear or sadness, but as a way of thinking, "It is my time." Everyone has a point when it's their time to die, and I was at peace with myself knowing I was not leaving behind any unfinished dreams. I had lived the life I had always wanted, and I was very appreciative of the life I had. Now was my time to move on to the next world.
      I guess after feeling at peace, and feeling I had nothing to lose, I did what I could to try to get out of the hospital bed. Better than just lying in a bed waiting for death to come. It was amazing the weight loss I had during the time I was in the hospital. My body naked looked like those images of the prisoners that had to endure those concentration camps; no joke. I was nothing but skin on bones. You could see every outline clearly of my skeleton. One funny incident I can remember from the hospital a few days after the surgery, 2 nurse's aides had to come give me a sponge bath. Well, they started from the top, and slowly worked their way down. When they finally got towards the near bottom, and noticed I was built a little different from most women, I heard one of the aide's saying, "Great Mother Mary of Jesus." All I could do was lay there and giggle, and then they just went on with the bath not saying another word. I find my happy moments when I can, even laying near death I giggle. I was in the hospital a total of 3 weeks and I had gained enough strength that I could be sent home to live my last week outside the hospital.
      Needless to say being home is much more therapeutic than being in a hospital. I stayed with my parents and my youngest sister. My family and I are very close, and we all share this strange sense of humor. Being in that environment I was getting better, and I lived past the 4 weeks given to me. In May I went to a different cancer specialist who believed that I could make it through chemotherapy, and that my chances were a lot better than what the past 2 doctors had predicted. I had to go into surgery to have a port put inside my chest right above my right breast. That way they had a direct way into my blood stream to connect this long, hooked needle into my chest to give me chemo that I had to receive twice a week every 3 weeks. I underwent intensive chemotherapy between May and October of 2001. I lost all my hair, it left me with a few scars, and a lot of weakness for a long time. The scariest part was watching my hair fall out in clumps. I could just run my fingers through my hair, and a handful would come out at a time. I was used to wearing wigs in my show so when I lost my hair I had to resort in wearing wigs full time. I first tried ordering wigs from those cancer magazines, because in the pictures they look so natural and realistic. Well, that was a mistake! I received them in the mail, opened the box, put them on my head, and it looked like a giant fur ball helmet on my head. They looked like those early 1980s Tina Turner wigs, nothing like the realism caught on film from the cancer magazines. I was not to be the fool! I quickly packed up those hair "don'ts", and sent them back requesting my money back. I went to the wig stores in downtown Louisville, and found purchased fresh, updated, stylish wigs. The whole time I wore them in public no one ever suspected I was wearing wigs. Even the professional hair stylists were shocked when I told them I wore wigs.
      My last chemo session was in October 2001. I had to get another cat scan performed to see how well the chemo sessions had went, and how much of the cancer was still in my body. The scan came back negative. No sign of the cancer was found. So the following January I had to get what they call a pet scan done, 3 months after my last chemo session. The results showed that my cancer had gone into remission. I had went from a year earlier being told I only had 4 weeks to live, and that chemotherapy would not work for me, to now being cancer free. Hmmmm, needless to say I sent the 1st cancer doctor flowers with the card reading, "I'm still here!"
      My point in writing about this is to show others that you do not have to give up regardless what is happening in your life. When tragedy strikes you have 2 options, let it over power you and do nothing, or take the bull by the horns and live life to the fullest by becoming a survivor.

That is what my life has been all about - being a survivor. I survived my dreams as a small child wanting to be female, yet being bullied by others. I made that dream come true. I survived cancer that many thought would be the end of me. I am still here! If there is one lesson that I have learned most out of my life it is to live my life, not let others live it for me, or expect me to live by their predictions. If suddenly everything was taken away from me- my home, money, friends, family, job, whatever, I will be standing with a smile, because I know and I love who I am. I know that I can make me happy. I can make dreams come true, and I am not afraid. After knowing this it makes you appreciate the life, the family, the friends, the job, and everything else. I would not trade my life for anyone else's. I have had great adventures, met incredible people, and I have lived a life more fulfilling than anything ever imagined. When I do grow up, I want to be me! I am like a child in a candy store, and I am having the time of my life!